Pink and Brown
by bitterfig
Summary: Mr. Pink and Mr. Brown the day before the robbery. Mr. Pink POV. Slash gone horribly awry.


Brown and I are in his car, scoping out Karina's Fine Jewelry. At least I am. I'm not sure what Brown's doing, grinning and bopping' his goofy fucking head tapping his finger's on the steering wheel like he's listening to a catchy tune even though the radio's off. Freaking suck ass weirdo.

I have to get the fuck out of California, get the fuck out of L.A. The second I get the cut from this heist my ass is headed back east. I can finally pay off that cocksucker Big Ugly and get my life out of hock.

"I don't know if it's cuz I watched the Brady Bunch so much when I was a kid," Brown says, "but when I'm on a job like this with a bunch of other guys I always find myself trying to divide everyone up into couples."

"Couples?" I asked wondering what the hell this guy is taking about.

"Yeah, you know like Cindy and Bobby would be one couple and maybe Jan and Greg. I do the same thing with the crew. Orange and White are an obvious couple, I mean get a room already. Then there's you and me…" "Don't drag me into this."

"Blonde and the blonde guy…"

"Nice Guy Eddie?"

"Yeah that's right, Blonde and Nice Guy Eddie. You know it's really confusing to me to call him Blonde when he isn't Blonde. Joe should have called him Brunette, that would be cool, that's got a real rock-a-billy feel to it."

Okay, it's actually sort of interesting. I mean he definitely got White and Orange right. "What about Blue?"

"Nice color, real pretty. What about it."

"Mr. Blue, the other guy."

"There was another guy?"

"Yes there was another fucking guy. Mr. fucking Blue who's he with? Is he with Joe?"

"No. Joe's the dad. Mr. Blue get's blue balls for failing to make an impression."

"That's not fair, I mean Blue's actually doing the job, Nice Guy Eddie isn't doing shit and he get's a boyfriend."

"They've got Chemistry."

Well maybe I'd rather be in a couple with Blue then you, I mean he wasn't a bad looking guy. Anyways what the fuck are you telling me this shit for? We're guys on a job, not the fucking homo Brady bunch" 

"Sorry, I just thought you'd find it interesting since you're gay and all."

"I'm not gay." Christ, could my voice have been higher or squeakier when I said that? Real convincing.

"Hey, it's not a problem. I'm totally okay "

"I'm not gay, where the fuck did you get the idea I was gay?"

"I thought Joe said you were a faggot."

"He did but he was being sarcastic. He was riding me because I didn't want to be Mr. Pink."

"I totally missed that part, I miss stuff sometimes."

"Yeah, I sort of noticed when you missed Blue."

"See I've got AADD- Adult Attention Deficient Disorder."

I can't believe this. "You're supposed to be the fucking watch and you have Attention Deficit Disorder?"

"Don't worry, I'm taking medication." He opens the glove compartment and starts pulling out prescription bottles of pills, about a dozen total.

"Christ, what is all that shit?"

"Ritalin, great stuff."

"Sure, why go to one doctor when you can go to ten."

"Exactly. Anyway, don't feel bad about Mr. Pink. It's a great name. My girlfriend…"

"You have a girlfriend? I figured you were the kind of guy who just wacks off 50 times a day." The gigantic chin nods up and down.

"That sounds about right. Like I was saying, Pink is a really cool name, my girlfriend's name is actually Pinkie."

"Swell. Now you can think of me every time you fuck her."

Brown scrutinizes me. "That might not be a bad idea. You're actually a lot sexier then what I think about now."

"I don't even want to know what that is."

"You see I used to keep snakes and you've got to feed them live mice and there are two kinds of mice. The one's with fur and the one's with no fur. The fuzzy one's are called fuzzy's and the bald one's are called pinky's."

"That's disgusting. You think about that shit while you're fucking?"

"I do, but from now on," points his big bony ass fingers at me, "I'm thinking Mr. Pink, not pinky's."

"Oh my God," I start pounding the palm of my hand against my forehead. It makes the pills rattle. I point to them and ask, "Can I have some of these?"

"Help yourself." Brown pulls out a stick of candy with green and yellow stripes on it and starts talking about his girlfriend. I shove a couple Ritalin in my mouth and about $2000 worth in my pockets. "Pinky, that's Pinky my girlfriend, not pinky the bald mice is an exotic dancer at this place called Runaround…"

"Wait, I was over there last week. Is she the chick with the pink braids? Danced to the Cramps, did the Nancy Sinatra bit with the pink bikini and boots?"

"That's my gal. Mention my name and she'll give you 20 off on a lap dance."

"I can't mention your name. I don't know your name; I'm not supposed to know your name. You shouldn't even be letting me mess with these bottles." I squint at one of the labels. "Herschell Lewis."

"Don't worry, I don't get those under my real name. Hey," he extends his candy stick to me. "Want a lick?" Just when I was starting to think he wasn't a total wack job.

"Get that fucking thing away from me, that's unsanitary."

"It's really good. They use the same flavor additives the cereal companies do. Tastes exactly like Frankenberry."

"If you want Frankenberry get a bowl of Frankenberry."

"This is different. You expect Frankenberry to taste like Frankenberry, its just doing it's job but when candy tastes like Frankenberry that's kind of special." Finally realizing he's not convincing me, he resumes sucking on the candy himself. "One of my AADD doctors, Doctor Corman is a real top specialist. You know who else he sees?"

"Can't imagine."

"The little Asian girl from that TV series DiVAS."

"I love that fucking show. And it's really her, the one with the freckles? Cottonmouth? That is actually kind of cool." The Ritalin must be kicking in.

"Yeah, I've seen her in the waiting room a couple times. She's my total favorite DiVAS."

"Any one of those Deadly International Viper Ass Squad girls could sit on my face any day of the week but I like the leggy blonde best."

"Which one?"

"The mean one with the eye patch, California Mountain Snake. That eye patch is sexy."

"Did you ever see that Christina Lindberg movie They Call Her One Eye."

"I love that movie, that is like the best fucking movie ever. You're actually into some kind of cool stuff."

"Pinky turned me on to a lot of great stuff. She's writing a doctorate thesis at UCLA 'Empowerment or Exploitation, A Feminist Look at Men Looking at Women." Okay, the guy's got a PHD candidate fucking lap-dancing girlfriend, Attention Deficit Disorder and wants to pair everybody up into couples like the Brady Bunch. If this is an example of Joe's stellar judgment in putting together a team tomorrow is going to be a fucking disaster. I pop a couple more Ritalin. Might as well live it up.

"So what sort of thing do you and Pinky do for kicks the night before a job?"

"Well, I've got a rock of cocaine the size of a tennis ball back at my place."

"Gee Jan," I screech, "you're the best sister a guy could have." Then I give him a great big kiss right on the mouth that lasts about five minutes longer then I should be comfortable with. "Hey, that shit really does taste like Frankenberry."


End file.
